Not a good day.
Aidan woke me up at 4:30 this morning to go pee. And then again at 5:30. And he never really went back to sleep after that. A wee bit too early for me to start my day. I was not in a good mood when this day began.
Sam woke up crying because he needed more sleep and wanted me by his side, but I was tending to Aidan. Mama guilt, mama guilt.
I made cinnamon buns for breakfast and Aidan did not want to share them, which lead to lots of tears & angry words. Not quite the Sunday family breakfast that I had envisioned.
Sam was cranky most of the morning, but I wanted him to stay awake because if he takes a morning nap, he doesn’t sleep well during the afternoon nap. Yeah, next time, I am just going to put the kid up to nap.
Two minutes after I had changed his clothes, Sam spilled water all over his shirt. Fostering a toddler’s desire to independently brush his teeth can be wet – very, very wet.
I wanted to write at some point today, but it did not happen – getting to the grocery store and picking up lunch trumped it. Wants/needs of a mama versus wants/needs of a family – a daily balance.
After the boys napped, we took them to the hardware store to purchase light fixtures for our living room. Immediately upon entering the store, Aidan spotted a book that he wanted. After we said a firm “no,” he proceeded to tantrum for fifteen minutes. Nothing like a public tantrum to make you realize that you are not in control of anything. ever. especially not in public.
When we got home, my husband took Aidan out of his car seat, which set Aidan off into another tantrum as he had wanted me to take him out. The second wave of a tantrum is a special test of a parent’s already-diminished patience.
Fifteen minutes into this tantrum, I looked at the clock – it was only 3 p.m., five hours until bedtime. I thought, I am not gonna make it.
I took out my frustration with the boys on my husband. That was not a productive way to relieve the stress, in fact, it only added to it.
The bits of toys, puzzle pieces, and crumbles strewn about the house made me so frustrated that I wanted to scoop it all up & throw everything into the garbage bin. Not good, not good at all.
At that point, I put in a video for the kids while I made dinner and my husband installed the new fixtures. That half-an-hour reprieve shifted the day, a teeny-tiny bit.
I made chili for dinner. It was not as good as usual as I did not have all of the ingredients, but it was nutritious and it filled our tummies.
As I loaded the dishwasher, I looked down at my painted fingernails, and I remembered my friends laughing and relaxing at the spa we went to yesterday in honor of our pregnant friend. I realized that I am not alone.
I made it (barely) to the boys’ bedtime, and as I tucked them in, I willed them to sleep until 6 a.m. tomorrow. I am not gonna bet on it.
I laid in my husband’s arms and watched a movie. Laying in each other’s arms, we always come back together.
It was not a good day, not even written about here in a good way, but it was my day, and there will be more yucky days of whining, yelling, personal sacrifices, crying, public tantrums, and relationship strains.
The point is to show up, and to say to each other, “I will stay with you and keep trying, especially when all that I want to do is run away,” because it is on the not so good days that we define unconditional love for our children, our partners, and our friends & family, who then, in turn, define it for us.
May you have a really, really good day. And, if it turns out to be a not so good day, I am here. You are not alone. I will listen to you because you listened to me. And together, we will get through it.